3 Months.

In the last 3 months, I’ve been consumed by losing out on love and the re-up on the waves of depression and suicide. As a young man, I should have easily been passed one, if not both, feelings. Society and friendships tell me that I’ve should’ve been happier after the initial shock and downturn of emotion. Yet, I’m not.

The last 3 months have proven to be a chore. I’ve been waking up with less and less energy to get out; and I’ve been filled with this flirtation with imagining a world where things go differently for everyone and even this poor scenario where I’m not around anymore. It’s not a fun thing to become obsessed by, but it might not be an uncommon situation to be in. At least, I hope not.

These past 3 months, I’ve written a book dedicated to the girl I love and who I said I’d love “always and forever”. I promised those exact words to her, and it’s a promise that I never intend/ed to give up on. Whether for better or worse, I would sleep with the thought that I’d make it work and put us in a place where we both could grow, as individuals and as a couple. We both were new to this idea and feeling of “love” to the point that it could ring tears to both of our eyes. Through it all, I still think highly of her and I know that I messed it up.

I’ll always have love for her and remember waking up to her smiling face, and morning breath, knowing that those eyes loved me and would be by side through my toughest battles in my mind. She was my light and my greatest interaction. The saying goes that “behind every great man is a strong woman”; and as great as others had seen me, she proved that saying to be true. She had seen me at my strongest and at my weakest, and picked me up when I couldn’t bare taking in a breath.

These past 3 months have been tough. I lost a best friend and a lifetime love. At 25, I truly believe that I felt love for the first time.

3 months ago, we were on a beach celebrating my birthday and spending time with her friends that welcomed me in.

3 months ago, I gave her my last hug and kiss. My last goodbye.

3 months ago, I started writing my purest poetry because I had begun trying to put the pieces together.

Holding her memory and my refusal to lose her, I used words and my own mind as a self-inflicted torture because I didn’t want to believe it to be true.

I loved her because she brought the best out of me.

I loved her because she saved me from myself.

I loved her; and still do.

As dumb or naive as it may be, I don’t want to try to love again.

3 months ago, I lost.

Last Reflection Before 2015

This year was new, and new in a perfect sense (not in the obvious new type of… yeah). New places I went, new things I did, new everything. I got chocolate fortune cookies from this girl that is still pretty cool to me, and then I went camping as a replacement and now I’m an assistant coordinator for the program that sent me into the mountains (where I did a lot of shovel on a mountain range and was bed bound for the campfire finale). I left the comfort of Southern California to go north on a bus ride where I “adopted” my daughter. It was on that trip where I: became more expressive, had confidence, became a brother, joined a protest, stole one of the protest signs with the daughter I pointed out, found out that Santa Barbara is not a bad city at all, and realized how amazing my life has been since losing myself to pity 4 years ago. I wrote some poetry to a girl that turned me down, but then didn’t really turn me down, but also did. I got an exclusive copy of an album from a Folk Band in England (which was the most amazing thing ever).

I WROTE A BOOK (doesn’t really matter, but I can the hold the thing in my hands which is pretty cool).

I was a part of a HUGE series in poetry that lasted an entire month. I inherited a car, got into a small swerving accident, and haven’t died in a regular crash yet (so, that’s an achievement).

I did a lot and was asked to do a lot in 2014. Next year I’m going back to Northern Cal, probably another camping trip, graduating with multiple degrees, moving out, and continuing writing poetry (which made it to 22 different countries in multiple languages, AWESOME).

Everyone picks goals to strive for and give up in about two weeks time. Goals are reminded failures of last time, in my eyes. I don’t think goals are needed, for me at least. What I said above is more like a checklist of things that are going to happen. Does it matter to anyone? No, not really. Everyone has their minds set on something they want, and I want to be more comfortable in my own skin as a quiet person that acts weird sometimes.

I’m still waiting on some family members to actually buy my book like they promised instead of just saying it to be nice. LOL!

Equality

There is none

Walking down the streets
Entering a store
Getting to class
Sitting in a chair
Standing in a line

There is none

Water flows
Yet, flows to a point
Beaded along the banks
Solid in wintery chaos
Water flows

There is none

Air breathed is air shared
Color changes
Heights change
Words change
Ideas need change

There is none

They’re different
They’re awful
They’re saviors
They’re protecting
They’re oppressing
They’re living
They’re dying
They’re us

There is none

Feminism
Misogyny
Hetero
Homo
Majorities
Minorities
Segregation
Integration
Black
White
Brown
Equality

There is none.

Now,
Is the time to run
Is the time to accept
Is the time to fund
Is the time to respect
Is the time to not complain
Is the time to innovate
Is the time to not entertain
Is the time to estimate

Time has occurrences
Whether here nor there
Situations will take place
Fear allows for mistakes
Fear mongering allows for accidents

Revolution destroys nations
Revolution destroys societies
Revolution builds fear
Revolution builds hate

Why speak of Revolution?
Why speak of toppling a nation?
Why speak of violence?

Choices matter
Not made by fear
Not made by violence

No one will hear
No one will understand
No one will change

Future Ahead

SpokenPoetryTV

I promise that I’m improving
Getting better as the days turn
Lower than 6 feet beneath the surface
I’ve lost my mind
Gone deeper into suppressive thoughts

I promise that I’m getting better
The days fall in line
Routines that never change and extend
Dreams of cutting this life short
Drifting into the harmed me

I promise that I’ll leave behind a masterpiece
Few people that say I’m doing incredible
The one of the billions
Standing my own, aside a sea of doubt
Reasons to believe, like Chaucer, I’ll begin the new phase of writing

I promise the next years ahead will be more meaningful than the latter years
Never reaching the heights of John Milton
No more creative and outspoken than Aphra Behn
New insights to the heartbreak the likes of Samuel Daniel
Letting her know she’ll be as eternal as Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18

I know I can leave behind a wonderment for the future to admire
The power of words like Queen Elizabeth
The form of Sir Philip Sydney
The exposed love of John Donne
The hope of endearment as Mary Wroth

I promise that I’m improving
Utilizing the past as a stepping stone of expression
Each tear will amass an unforgettable speech
Tones will touch the inner soul of the heartless
Words as concrete as a woman’s beauty in the natural light

I promise that each poem will last amongst the gods of the written skies

Age shall be a number by which greatness will matter not till the ends of each sunset and sunrise.

Days

Sleep deprived eyes are the new craze,
Running through libraries for every piece of information,
All walks of life studying for the same test,
Pretty girls losing their minds with homework,
Soon enough the voices start speaking,
Time speeds up,
Only to slow down as the professor begins,
No one is thinking about these concepts,
We teach ourselves,
I’m preoccupied with her in mind,
Beside me are birds,
The guy in the corner is occupied with the infinite geometric lines that don’t exist,
She’s thinking of him,
The girl behind me is thinking of the customers,
We are part of the endurance test that ends with vacation,
Dreams of sandy grounds and cool, clear water consumes the whole,
We’ll be back in a few months,
I choose to slow my pace,
Everyone else destroys the mind they choose to preserve,
Going mad with every chart and definition,
That table knows nothing of my words,
They speak of other countries,
New faces walk in the doors with the same gloomy face,
Only when friends appear do they crack a smile,
Appearance is key,
The key to be accepted by no one,
Sects form for a month or two,
Then dissolve as classes change,
Empty faces leave way to the empty minds,
And I stay in the corner,
Mindless as they are,
But still with her in mind,
I’ll see her soon,
But speak to her?
Maybe.

The Innermost Thoughts

Why can’t you sleep?
She’s in my thoughts again…

Is it the same one?
Over the past couple of weeks it’s been that same one.

Who is she?
The one I can’t stop thinking about and soon I’ll never see her again.

Why don’t you do something about it?
She won’t see it how I see it.

And how is that?
Me and her.

How do you know for certain that it won’t be?
Because it never is…
Every time I think a girl I meet,
I fall back into the same mindset.

What mindset?
She’ll go on and find someone different,
Someone better.

How many times has this been proven?
Every time,
Every time I think of saying something it doesn’t come out,
And it’s gone.

Why don’t you change that?
I always say I can change it,
This time will be different,
I’ll have her by my side,
And nothing still.
I’ve failed in life,
In everything I do.

How can you think that?
Where am I going in life at this moment?
Nowhere,
Everyone is passing me by and I’m the one doing nothing to change it.
I think,
And think,
And think of how this time will be different.
I replay the future over and over,
And never is there a good ending.
I just want this all to finish.

What do you mean by finish?
I want to be in a quiet place surrounded by no one,
Only to look out into bodies of water or trees,
No one around so I could close this chapter for good.

Why do you think like this?
Why do you think that nothing will get better?
People fix what goes wrong,
But me,
But me,
I can’t do that.
I’ve proven to not fix what’s been wrong for years,
I hold back,
And hold it all in to bury with me.
So much hurt,
So much pain,
From nothing.

The pain is nothing,
I hate who I see and who I am.
Everything was suppose to be different.
What am I going to do?

I have nothing.

New content

So, I’ve decided I want to work on some more pieces that I sort of thought about today: Green Eyed Monster, Firefly, I Can’t Get Away From You, and Ghost (which is complete already).

Green eyed monster alludes to the Shakespearean tragedy Othello and the line, “Jealousy is a green eyed monster.” This piece will be about jealousy and love, both the high points and their pitfalls. This piece may be my longest poem I’ve written or my shortest. It’ll be out soon, so I hope you all enjoy it.

Firefly is an ode to new adventures and new paths that I’ve taken this past year. Those that know me well have read that I’ll be out with a book or 2 soon, and hope they turn out well. Firefly will be my update on life, girlfriend, work, and kind of my coming out from the dark thoughts that have plagued me for years now.

I Can’t Get Away From You is probably going to be another piece about break ups and losing someone you care for deeply. This will be more venting from me about past relationships and relationships I’ve seen crumble. I’m not really sure if you all like that sort of stuff, or if you like the Standout kind of stuff.

Ghost is about my past and how people, along with memories, keep popping up in my life out of nowhere. Ghost is out now, and it does have to do with what happened today. Hopefully you all like it and appreciate it.

I will be posting more content this month especially, as well as finish downfall and it’s origins. Also, there are two new ideas for short stories and novels regarding life and religion. They seem like really big ideas and I hope to capitalize on all of them.

I’m thankful for you all that have subscribed and followed my “area”. I’m glad for the support I’ve gotten from each and every one of you, and I will be out with more content during this national poetry month.

Kid

I can’t sit still any longer.

I can’t try to grow up like the others.

I’m still the kid,
I’m not ready to be settled for the long days and nights to do paperwork,
Worry about bills,
Worry about the future,
Refer to people as clients or some other beings.

There’s a certain look that comes with growing up,
The individual is gone.

There’s a serious tone with adulthood,
The years get lost.

Listen to me and fear me.

Growing up is tedious and bland.

What happened to dreams?

What happened to growing up?

What happened to fun?

I’m not much older than my child counterpart,
But I’ve seen adulthood expand into adolescence.

That’s a scary sight.

Kids or teens becoming stressed over paperwork.

It’s more sad than scary.

I’ve been the one to avoid the stress,
But I consider it as luck.

Looking around and these kids look more sad than determined.
By the age of about 10,
Have they lost their kid composure and life.

The eagerness to explore,
The joy to learn,
The pure innocence,
The excitement to be free.

What happened to the rest of the kids?

Why is love complicated?

It’s impossible to know what it is to love
No one really knows where it comes from
Some people question whether it really exists
Love seems to change shape

Love is the combination of every emotion
You hate who you’re with
You’re annoyed with who you’re with
You’re angry with who you’re with
Yet
You enjoy who you’re with
You like their smile or laugh
You know that person makes you’re day

What does it mean to love?
What does it mean to be in a relationship?
What is a relationship to you?
What is the modern relationship?
Why is it so difficult?

I see it as, love is sticking around for no apparent reason
A relationship is two people who actually care for one another
Today, the trend is to get something from the other person and become emotionless
There isn’t a sense of continuity between each participant
They subtle emotions of being in love are occurring later in life

Anyway, where was I?
Oh, relationship to me
To me, a relationship is an incredibly hard balanced part of life
There’s hate and cherishing moments involved
There’s arguments and sappy/cheesy aww moments
There’s a give and take between significant others

The modern relationship
The text messages, iMessages, snapchats, facebooks, tweets, etc.
The modern relationship isn’t easy for the hands on romantic
The modern relationship is meant for the ones who follow the “love” trend
The modern relationship is easy to get rid of, but hard to keep
Whether or not you love the other person in the tech world could be irrelevant without trust
I learned that the hard way

All of this refers back to the original question: WHAT IS LOVE?
No one knows for sure
But
There is a blueprint for a relationship
I’d give this person credit, but doubt she’d speak to me
She said it perfectly, “No trust. No relationship.”
This day and age, it’s difficult to invest full feelings
Many of us have to work on that and not put up fronts
The happy face tells you a story of why they’re sad
The happy face tells you why they worry

Don’t put on the happy face when you’re trying to invest in as scary as love and the relationship.

Birthday Wish

The best gift to receive on a birthday is time.

We don’t know how long we’ll be here to see each other or how much time we have with each other; even when we anger one another or do anything possible to hurt each other, we still make amends and encourage each other to move far in this one life.

Time is something special that we all have, but how will you make the most of it?